Monday, March 19, 2012
The Denver Broncos got better today. A lot better. They have gone from a longshot to win 8 games in 2012, to top Super Bowl XLVII contender. Which is nice, but the best implication of an incoming Peyton Manning is the promise that Tim Tebow will soon be kicked out of the state of Colorado, and good riddance. The Manning/Tebow juxtaposition is interesting because it smokes out the worst kind of NFL fan: the Tim Tebow fan.
The Tim Tebow fan is irrational; quantifiable talent comes in second to made-up qualities such as leadership or the will to win, which all professional athletes not named Tebow seem to lack. The Tebow fan will ignore indisputable evidence in favor of an anecdote or two. Sample size means nothing to them. In fact, nothing matters but wins, which are all directly attributable to Tebow. Just don’t ask them why, because they just are, or something.
Some Broncos fans search for a middle ground between the two quarterbacks. They will not find any. “I think they should just have Manning mentor Tebow for a couple years, so he’ll be good when Peyton retires,” some fans say. Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. Manning has shown no inclination to waste his time in fruitless endeavors. Let the coaches coach, he is being paid to play. Fans must necessarily be all-in behind Manning or all-in behind Tebow, because this western town ain’t big enough for both of them.
Some reports say that John Elway would have looked for a replacement for Tebow whether he signed Manning or not. If true, this shows an impressively canny football mind. Remember, Elway’s job is to win games in 2012, not 2011. But Tebow is stupidly popular in Colorado, and though Manning is universally recognized as great, a dozen less well known quarterbacks would also be a vast improvement on the football field talent-wise, but would be much harder to sell to fans, who have preposterously high opinions of Tebow’s ability.
Make no mistake: Tebow is not being “mistreated.” He did not “lead the Broncos to the playoffs” last year. The Broncos made the playoffs despite Tebow, not because of him. The list of quarterbacks who were contributed more to their teams chances of winning last year is literally 58 names long, and includes names like Rex Grossman, John Beck, Tyler Palko, Stephen McGee, and Richard Bartel. Only 11 gentlemen who threw at least 10 passes were worse. Tebow was given ample opportunity to show that he might be a franchise quarterback, or at least worth a roster spot. In his 11 starts, he completed less than 50% of his passes, and threw for fewer than 2,000 yards. Hardly franchise material. But his fans aren’t the kind who will be discouraged by the facts. This Colorado Springs Gazette article (warning: reading the linked article will actually make you stupider) makes the ludicrous case that Tebow is not noyl Manning’s equal (“over the course of their last 13 games, Tebow and Manning performed at approximately the same level”) but a lock to be the best quarterback in NFL history by a wide margin. I am not making this up. This assertion is based on “key factual measures of an NFL passer (wins, touchdown passes, interceptions, playoff performance).” Never mind that the article fails to demonstrate that the cherry-picked statistics have any correlation with even modest future success, let alone historical greatness. Tebow fans, like religious believers in general, tend to be intellectual lightweights, to put it lightly, and the Gazette article provides a nice demonstration of the characteristic style in which many stupid people argue, to try to cover up the fact that they’re stupid. “It would be highly illogical for the Broncos to replace Tim Tebow with Peyton Manning.” Highly illogical, they say. Because stupid people don’t get logic, so obviously the author of this article cannot be stupid! In fact, anyone who disagrees with him has to be stupid! So who’s stupid now? Thankfully the author refrained from closing an argument by saying Period. at the end.
“All Tebow does is win!” is another senseless argument his fans love to make. The unspoken assumption here is that the quarterback is several orders of magnitude more important than the other 21 starters, special teams, and other role players combined, in ultimately determining a team’s wins and losses. If you’ve read this far you probably already understand why “quarterback wins” is almost literally meaningless. Look at the Broncos in 2010 and I’ll show you a fact that no Bronco fan seems to grasp. Kyle Orton had a great season, but Josh McDaniels’ fluent application of Matt Millen’s Big Book of NFL Management left the team’s defense so horrendous that Orton’s great performance wasn’t translated into a winning season, and so Kyle went down in the memory of Bronco fans as a loser.
Tebow, in contrast, is widely considered a winner despite his embarrassing 2011 season, in which you may notice that Kyle Orton was again the superior player. Never mind that Tebow did more to hurt the team than to help it. Again, for Tebow’s fans, the facts don’t matter as much as their biased and subjective memories do. I guess it’s irrelevant that all of the Broncos wins were close games against either bad teams, or teams playing without injured stars Adrian Peterson, Matt Forte, Jay Cutler, and Darren McFadden. I seriously doubt that the Broncos could have overcome the hole Tebow’s poor play put them in if they played healthy or talented teams, like the Patriots.
Sure, Tebow played a great game, and he led the Broncos in an upset against the Steelers in the wild card round of the playoffs. So that’s it then. The best passing game of Tebow’s career, where he completed 10 memorable passes. He also threw 11 more less memorable passes that fell incomplete. “And Tebow’s a great rusher,” his diehard idiot fans will point out, “he gained over 600 yards and 6 touchdowns in the regular season.” Unlike his passing yards, of which there were few and which didn’t help the Broncos win anyway, he had a lot of rushing yards, which also didn’t help his team win. He was the second worst rushing qb in the NFL. Only Blaine Gabbart and Tarvaris Jackson hurt their teams running more than Tebow hurt the Broncos. So you see now that Tebow is a worthless, pathetic excuse for an NFL quarterback, and he represents the single biggest disparity between the common low-IQ beer-drinking fan’s perception of quality, and the actual representation of quality that helps his team win real football games. Which is more important to you: perception, or reality?
The reports are that the Broncos are looking to trade Tebow, and they will take whatever they can get. An offer of a 5th round pick ought to be enough to land him, and that’s in line with what I think he’s worth. They also might simply cut him if he proves to be untradable. So here’s the good part, and the main reason I wrote this post.
Instead of signing with another NFL team, I think Tim Tebow should just go straight to heroin, and wash out of football with a $500/day junk addiction. Who wants to hear about Jesus from some whiny douchebag who was gifted with such incredible athletic ability from birth that he never had to face failure until the NFL? If his life story so far tells us anything, it should remind us that ability that wasn’t earned will always be wasted. He hasn’t used his brain a day in his life, because he’s never needed to! No, the sooner he hits rock bottom, the better it will be for everyone. Let’s see you fight through some adversity tougher than “wah-wah, I think John Elway might not love me anymore,” or “what, you mean you’re not handing me the starting job and I have to prove I’m good enough to be a 3rd-string backup?” Show us you’ve used your head to earn something on your own, and if you still believe that gay-hating Jesus wants you to be a virgin until marriage, then maybe we’ll listen to what you have to say. Until then, you are nothing but a turd of dog shit, and get the fuck out of the state of Colorado.